Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
