ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
How external is "for external use only"?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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