it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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