Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
