My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
