she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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