I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
