Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
