Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
