He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
