your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
