The maid of honor just puked.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
