I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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