she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
