My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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