I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
