I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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