i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
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