My nipple is on Facebook.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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