Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
