You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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