C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
