i just had sex bonerless
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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