Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
