she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
