from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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