The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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