Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
