I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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