my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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