3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
so much tequila, so little girl.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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