I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
