hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
