I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
