So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I forget how to act sober
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