You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
