Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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