I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
