Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
