I want you more than these girls want KFC
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize