I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
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