Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
