I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
