I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Text me some of your sweat
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