oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
