I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
