This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
