Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
