Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
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