I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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