He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
barbara walters just said penis...
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
