MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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