I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
