I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
