I CAN MOONWALK!
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
areolas are like halos for boobs.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize