he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
