Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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