beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
