I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Bring me that man meat
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
