I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
